Today I had a Lindt ball. 

Actually, today there was no jello at school- and in the midst of freaking out internally while standing in front of the shelves of the refrigerated section of the dining hall, I almost had the mind to march up to the guy in charge and demand some consistency in this here eating establishment.  But, instead, I tried to compose myself and find some other way to satisfy my cravings for sweetness. 

There was the pudding shelf... but I knew for sure I would crash about an hour eating that- plus the unknown calorie count wasn't worth it, I decided... and I didn't bring along my internet set up phone so I could check online... 

There was the cake section... but I don't really like cake... just the icing.  But man, do I love icing.  In fact, for my last birthday party, a friend made me a cupcake table complete with bags of icing and about 12 different kinds of sprinkles.  It was a little bit like heaven.

There were a few pieces of pie...  but I know if I start down that road, I'll never find my way back.

There were chocolate chip cookies the width of two fingers and the size of my head...

Finally I just grabbed a bag of 100 cal oreos (suck suck suck) and made do...  and the guy in charge came over to me, while I was pulling a slice of pizza with my fingers- and attempted to offer me the serving untensil- but since it was touching all the meatiness of the other pizzas, I declined sort-of politely... I can only hope that when I said "no thanks, it's been touching meat" he really heard "no thanks, jerkface, your food is all meaty and YOU FORGOT TO MAKE JELLO!". 

So when I got back up to the Fac Lounge, and consumed my sad lunch of a slice of pizza, yogurt, and an apple, I was tempted by the over-stuffed bevy of chocolate chocolate chip cookies leftover from the previous nights' book club.  And I ate one.  And I actually ate it slowly, rather than my normal "stuff it all in my mouth as quickly as possible and pocket two more for later".  And man, it was sweet!  Like I could actually taste every morsel of sugar dancing around my mouth, tickling my tongue, destroying my teeth.  And I wanted more.  So instead I went back to my classroom and did some work.  Not quite as yummy... and definitely not as much fun.

And then I got home (no running today, which decreases my calorie allotment by over 200) and had my veggies, and some jello, and some popcorn, and some more jello.  And plugged it all in to myfooddiary, and found that I had 3 calories left to consume.  And decided "ah hell, they can keep those 3 calories".

And then came back a bit later to let the d-o-g out to pee- and looked at the Xmas chocolate still sitting on my counter... and saw the Lindt balls... and knew that none of them were milk chocolate... but then decided I really didn't care, and unwrapped one and peered at it, trying to discern what kind it was... and then bit halfway into it, and the whole time I'm thinking don't do it!  You don't even like the ones that aren't milk chocolate!  Put it down!  Throw it away!  Spit it out!  But continued to consume it...  and finished it.  And I think tomorrow I'll take the rest to school...  

my house makes things go bad

So yesterday evening I was waiting for my friend El Jefe to come by and pick me up for a movie date night... by the way, I suck at waiting.  So I paced my house for a bit, attempting to find small things I could do so when he called, I could drop it all, toss a piece of cheese into the d-o-g's awaiting jaws and dash out the door.

So I opened my freezer.  And started looking at all the frozen food in there... and couldn't remember exactly when I bought that edamame... or that eggplant parmesan... or that box of fake meat (well, that one was given to me).  So I started reading the best by dates... and slowly my garbage can began to fill up.

Let me explain something.  My house is a best by wasteland.  Somehow, I bring in a box of something, and the next time I see it, it's a year past the best by date.  I don't know how it happens... but it does, without fail.

My school has lunches for the homeless once a month, and so sometimes I remember... and I go to my cabinets and pull out things that I can give away- and then realize they had gone bad about 2 years prior.  What the hell?  I know I haven't been hoarding them for that long!  But apparently, I have.

A prime example is when I had my then-boyfriend (now fiance) over for dinner for the first time.  We'd just started going out- and by going out, I mean spending all our free time together every day.  And I thought, ohhh, I can invite him over and make him dinner, and he'll fall in love with my amazing culinary ways...  So I invited him over, last minute, and decided we'd have pasta.  So there he is, hanging out in my kitchen, and I'm starting to get things ready... I have a pot of water on to boil, a jar of tomato sauce on the counter, and I've even got my apron on.  And so I reach into the cabinet to pull out my fancy boxes of twisted pasta- only to find that the first one was out of date by a year.  Sort of embarrassing, not too bad... So I reach in and grab another one... this one went bad 2 years before.  Ok, so there's another box in there, no big deal.  That one was only a few months past the date.  At this point, I was beginning to freak out...  How the hell could I impress this guy if I couldn't even boil some non-expired pasta?  So I reached into the freezer (where my mother taught me to put my dry spaghetti) and grabbed a box.  There were 5 boxes in there- one of them had to be ok...  And slowly we went through each box, scouring them for the best by dates... until finally we found two that just didn't have anything printed.  SAVED!  (just to keep you up to date, I now make my pasta fresh, SO THERE!)

Back to last night.  So my garbage can is filling- my freezer is emptying- I can actually see the kitchenaid ice cream maker waiting, freezing, wishing to be used.  I can see the shelf!  I can see inside the ice maker that never worked!  My freezer is all new!  And then my phone rings, and it's El Jefe, and I bailed on the rest... there's still a few more packages to consider, left frozen in the food wasteland... perhaps I'll get a chance to delve back in there before Fiance comes home again...

gobs and gobs of cheese

Fondue... 

My first evening of fondue was almost a year ago, just around Valentine's Day.  My friend J got 4 of us ladies together for some Melting Pot action.  We did it up mad style- the full 4 course dealio.  Cheese, salad, boiling clear stuff, then chocolate.  And man, the best martini I'd ever had... the Love Martini.  I think I had two of them that night.  And I also had a crazy case of belly sickness before even leaving the restaurant.  Which taught me to never go back there.

But then J was getting married, and wanted to get a different set of girls together for a pre-wedding ladies night out, and of course wanted to head back to the MP.  Man... I couldn't say no, since it was her wedding...  so I joined in and showed up, my pockets packed with tums, just in case.  But this time we just had the cheese, salad, and chocolate- and a Love martini, of course- and this time it was delicious!!!!  And no belly sickness at all!!!  And suddenly I was a MP fan- and began to plot reasons to go back...

Well, it took me a few months, but I finally decided it was time.  Of course I decided this on a Friday night after 8, when normal people have all eaten their dinners and gone to the movies- so J wasn't available.  But she offered to meet me out the next evening for dinner- hooray!

So all Saturday long I saved my calories.  I got up and had my normal breakfast, which is about 230 calories (just enough to get a smiley face on mfd), then went for a long walk and a short run with the d-o-g, then a small lunch of veggies... leaving me with over 1000 calories left to consume.  WAHOO! 

I met J around 4:30, and we got down to business.  We both got the Love martini (and man, did I want another!  but look at me being thoughtful about my intake!  I only imbibed the one.), and the swiss cheese fondue... I asked the waitress "how much cheese is that?  2 cups?  3 cups?"  She thought I was going to try and make it at home- I explained that I was attempting to count my calories- she said "you might not want to do that tonight"... but brought me extra veggies right away.  Man, we licked that bowl clean- well, scraped that bowl clean, as it's a burning hot crock of tastiness, and we would've burned our little pink tongues off.  And as we worked, the waitress kept coming back to take it away- and we kept waving her off... relishing each and every gob of cheese.  BTW, I'd like it known that I only had 2 cubes of bread, and stuck with the veggies and apples for the rest.  But maaaaaaan, those two cubes were tasty. 

Then came time for the chocolate.  I was explaining to J how I was really only there for the martini.  And for the cheese.  And that I could totally pass on the chocolate and be fine.  She said "good, more for me."  Then the waitress brought out the platter of sweets, and poured the chocolate in, and I was done for.  The haze that had kept me from remembering the melted heaven flowed away, and I dug in, fighting J for the marshmallows and graham crackers- actually, she gave the graham crackers to me willingly... but that crock was bare by the time we were done. 

We are very good fondue eaters.

And I came home, and had a snack that evening... and this morning stepped on the scale, scared to see the damage, but also fairly self-righteous that I was allowed to do these things once in awhile... and lo and behold, I had lost another lb!  WAHOO!!!!  MP I love you!  Now if only I could get other places to make that martini...

dreams on jello

Ahhh jello...

so last night I had 2 cups of jello before dinner, and 6 cups of jello after dinner. I then went to sleep and dreamed I punched a girl in the face. I'd also had 2 cups of jello at lunch... so this morning when I was recounting my dreams to my fiance over the phone, he mentioned that maybe I ought to cut back on the jello a bit.

So today I only had 4 cups of jello. We'll see what happens with my dreams tonight.

If every day were like today ...

You would lose 1.7 lbs per week.

You would reach your goal weight of 135 lbs on 6/10/2010.

In one month, you would weigh 162.2 lbs.

In three months, you would weigh147.3 lbs.

Calories Remaining to ...
Goal	Calories
Maintain Weight	869
Lose 1 lbs. per week	369
Lose 1.6 lbs. per week (maximum safe)	82

Ohhh Girl!

"Girl you're getting skinnier by the minute!" was hooted at me as I walked past a parent this morning at 7:32 a.m. It was the highlight of my day. I'm not quite sure if she can really see the difference that 3.8 lbs have made in the past week and a half or so, but hell, I'll take it! Thank you very much!

My day plummeted to it's death as the skinnier minutes ticked on. Just about everything that could've possibly gone wrong happened today. However- instead of sharing all of the intricacies that made my day hellish, I'm going to skip on to the crazy thing that occurred...

You see, I'm a stress eater. Ok, let's be honest, I'm an everything eater. I eat when I'm angry, when I'm stressed, when I'm happy, when it's Monday, when it's 3pm, when it's sunny, when it's snowing... you name it, I can find a reason to justify eating. Except for today- I was actually too busy and sidetracked to eat. I was in a fog when I ventured down to the dining hall, and seriously FORGOT to get my yogurt. I think it's b/c I'm a creature of habit, and when I picked up the jello, my mind thought it was the yogurt container... and I stood there for a bit, trying to figure out what I could be missing... and it wasn't until I was sitting outside on these lovely yellow chairs (yes, outside, bundled in my jacket b/c while it was sunny, it certainly wasn't warm!) that I realized I'd left the healthiest part of my lunch unpurchased... but the thought of going through those boys again made me quake, so instead I hoped I'd make it til the end of the day with less calories in my belly.

So I ate my pizza, and my jello, and my 100 cal pack of cheeze-its and that was it. And then the afternoon torpedoed by and I didn't have a chance to have my snack! So I got home and calculated my foods for the day, and holy hell! I had over 800 calories left! What to do! What to do?

DRINK! Oh man... there was a time when I drank every day after school. That was when I knew it was time to move on to a new job and invest all that beer money into something else... like a dog. But here I was, with the worst day ever, and all I could think about was drinking. In fact, I had started fantasizing about which drinks I would order (cucumber margaritas) at about 12:45 this afternoon. I saw myself on the bar stool and my favorite dive, ordering a taco (just one, mind you, so I could drink even more) and my drink, sans salt, and then stumbling home, happy, forgetful, and ready to sleep.

But then a situation occurred after school, leaving me with a parent phone call to make... that call turned into another call that was going to happen sometime before 9:30 p.m. And she was going to call me. And there went any control I had over the evening... and I could see my bar stool growing cold... and my drink being guzzled by some other neighborhood hipster... and I wanted to cry.

But instead I made myself some vegetables (just under 200 calories) and while that was heating up in that magic box of a microwave, I had some jello. And then had the veggies (which were quite tasty, if I do say so myself), and then waited some more for the phone to ring- trying to cling to some small hope that she'd call early and I could escape to the bar. And the minutes ticked by... and finally I gave up. And boy, howdy, did I give up!

Popcorn!!!! mmmmm... I love popcorn. I pop it in the air popper. "Oh C, you are so smart and so healthy to prepare it that way" you must be gushing. Not so much... I put 3 tbs of butter on it, a handful of salt, and 2 tbs of shredded parmesan. Oh yes I did. I can just see my Momma gasping in horror as she reads this.

And I ate every bite. Every last popped kernal. I scraped the bowl with my fingers to grab each shred of cheese... and maaaaannnn, it was good.

And then, just as I was really about to give up all hope, the phone rang! The parent and I spoke for less than 5 minutes, and when I hung up the phone, I nearly shouted with joy!!! DRINKING TIME!!!!

I turned to my trusty new computer, and let myfooddiary do some computing... even with the popcorn laden with butter and cheese, I had just barely exceeded the smallest number of calories I could eat in a day. Which meant I could definitely have a drink. Or I could not, and maybe have another parent comment on my magical shrinking trick... So I forgo the drink for another night.

And in celebration, I had some jello. And then I had some more jello.

Maintain Weight	715
Lose 1 lbs. per week	215
Lose 1.6 lbs. per week (maximum safe)	over by 76

If every day were like today ...

You would lose 1.4 lbs per week.

You would reach your goal weight of 135 lbs on 7/13/2010.

In one month, you would weigh 164.3 lbs.

In three months, you would weigh 152 lbs.

So it turns out that I love Jello. Who knew? And yes, I know it's main ingredient in gelatin- but shush, don't tell me, and I'll ignore it for a bit. I found out about my new love today at lunch...

Let me share what lunch is at my school... I work at a K-12 independent school that has it's own dining hall. We get $6 a day to spend on whatever we can find- keep in mind, however, that the food is geared to teenage boys. There's tons of fried stuff- from french fries to onion rings; there's hot meaty pasta, hot meaty soups, cold meaty sandwiches, hot meaty pizza, and meat in some of the salad bar offerings. Not to say that boys only eat meat- but since this is all I have to base my knowledge of teenage boys eating habits, I'm going with yes, they eat plate after plate of meaty yumminess. Also, the "healthier" food is more expensive... so you go way over your budget of $6 if you get a plate of salad and a yogurt. So here's what I eat every day: a slice of cheese pizza, a yogurt, and a 100 cal. pack of chips ahoy- except that now they've discontinued the chips ahoy and I had to substitute 100 cal. pack of oreos. And let me tell you, 100 cal oreos have none of the goodness that regular oreos have.

Ahhhh oreos... how I love you. In yearbook, senior year, the editors and I realized our passion for double stuf oreos, and would eat entire packages in a sitting. In fact, we'd take them wherever we went... I have a fond memory of eating them on the stage at an outdoor amphitheater where I had watched plays and concerts growing up. How great it was to sit on that stage, looking out over the seats, and demolishing that crinkly bag.

But back to lunch. In the beginning of the year, I was eating chocolate pudding instead of the 100 cal bag of cookies... and man, was I in heaven. Well, for all of lunch and then about 4 minutes afterwards. After that I would fall into a mighty strong food coma, and would be worthless to teach for the rest of the afternoon. Pudding is one of my other favorite foods... maybe I should make a list of my favorite foods, b/c apparently I have more than I thought I did. Anyway. I wised up, kicked out the pudding and the pizza, and switched to salad and the occasional cookie (there's something about choc. chip cookies that all dining halls rock out... these are killer). Then I realized the small bowl of salad wasn't cutting it (and was gross, along with the lack of filling), so I switched back to pizza. So here I am, a slice of cheese pizza, a yogurt, and a bag of 100 cal cookies. Until today.

Today I went down and spotted the pudding. "Ahhh, pudding" I thought, beginning to reach for the plastic container... at the last second, I jerked my hand to the right, and it landed on a container of bright red jello. "Jello?" I considered quietly, as the wave of teen boys split and poured around me. I grabbed it, for fear of being knocked to the ground and trampled, and moved on to the pizza section. After almost having a crying attack (there was one slice of cheese out, and it had a big ol' chunk of burnt flesh stuck to it) and then being rescued by the manager who saw my panic, I escaped with the pizza, the jello, and the yogurt.

And man was that jello good. And it was sugar free. And all day long I fantasized about typing it into myfooddiary.com and realizing that it had 0 calories, and how I would begin to make vats of it so I could lounge around in my pajamas in front of "Say Yes To The Dress" and consume the wiggling, jiggling cold sweetness to my heart's delight. I even went to the grocery on the way home and bought 3 boxes in preparation! It was then that I learned that one serving = 10 calories, and my fantasy of eating from the chilled vat began to fade away.

But I'm not letting those 10 calories stop me. I'm trudging forth! I'm going to enjoy that jello if its the last thing I do! (Besides, I could eat way more jello and still consume less calories than the 100 pack of lame-o fake oreos.) So tonight, before crawling into bed, I boiled up some water, spilled the gelatin in, and made 8 servings of rasberry jello for tomorrow. mmmm.... I can't wait.

Maintain Weight	807
Lose 1 lbs. per week	307
Lose 1.6 lbs. per week (maximum safe)	7

If every day were like today ...

You would lose 1.6 lbs per week.

You would reach your goal weight of 135 lbs on 6/29/2010.

In one month, you would weigh 165.1 lbs.

In three months, you would weigh 151.2 lbs.

olives

I chose this blog format because it reminds me of olives. I love olives. I love black olives, green olives, kalamata olives, stuffed olives, smoked olives, olive tapenade- you get the picture. I would eat olives for every meal of the day, and for snacks, too. When I was little, my father would put the canned black olives on my fingers for me to chomp on when he made the salad for dinner. Olives quite possibly could be my favorite food. Olives also have 6 calories per large black pearl. That means, if I slipped them on my fingers now, snacking thoughtlessly while I prepared my dinner, I would suck down 60 calories. Not too terrible, really... except that probably, knowing myself, I would down the whole can, rather than just the 10 covering my nailbeds.

So this blog is my way of documenting my journey to regain control of my eating and my body. I'm a good eater- in that I can chomp away with the best of them. I'm also a picky eater. I've been a vegetarian since I was 11, save for a small bite of chicken I tried in early January of this year. I'm not a veg b/c I care about the animals- really, I couldn't care less about them... I'm a veg b/c I think it's disgusting to eat flesh. When I see Red Lobster commercials where they crack into that Lobster leg (claw?), and the juice squirts about- I just imagine people cracking into their own arms or legs (maybe a funny SNL skit- however not so yummy to think about eating).

Back to my reasoning... About a year and a half ago, I lost 30 lbs. I had hit my all time high weight of 193, and saw a photo of myself both from the summer, and right then, and decided that it was time. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I've never been slender- although in high school (before the boobs came), I could wear a size 8 with no problem. But then the boobs came, and the freedom of driving, and eating wherever I wanted, and spending the night at Michelle's and raiding Kroger of their powdered sugar donuts and doritos and anything else... and drive through Taco Bell, and birthday cakes for every single birthday in yearbook, and going to college and eating at the dining hall (which specialized in cookies and ice cream bars, and pasta bars, and nothing healthy what-so-ever) and any training my parents thought they had instilled in me went right out the window. I ate everything that didn't have meat- except tofu. B/C again, I'm odd, and picky. I used to take stacks of cookies back to the dorm room under the pretense that I would share them with Katie, or Amanda, or Val, or Siira, and then ate them all myself. My next door neighbor would drive home for a weekend, and come back with cookies her mom had made- I'd eat an entire tupperware of them. It was around that time that my love of fake cheese burgeoned.

Ah... fake cheese. At first I was disgusted... gelatinous orange gloop that would turn into a hard pile if left on your plate for too long... but soon I realized if you put it on your pasta right away, it became the most delicious mac and cheese... and then I found out that you could get Nachos at the movie theater!!!! When I grew up, my parents never stopped at the concession stand... I grew up thinking it was what "other" people did, you know, the less evolved people. But in college, when I found out that cheese was available- along with icees, ho boy, that was it. I remember heading home for a summer, and trying to hide my love of movie theater nachos. In fact, about a year ago I shamefully ordered them when going to see an opera at the movie theater with my mother and my then-boyfriend. I could see my mother's disgust and horror as I ordered them- but I did it loud and super proud (and painfully self-aware) and ate every last bite. And oh my god, when I learned you could get pretzel bites with cheese?! Game over.

So you might be able to see why my weight began to climb. I gained probably between 20-40 lbs in those 4 years. And when I got out, I joined Weight Watchers- and while I lost 15 lbs right away, I also lost my mind. I became the most angry dieter ever. It made me crazy to count points constantly... And the meetings were full of middle aged mothers who had nothing in common with a 21 year old recent college grad. I wanted to know point contents of jello shots, and they were busy figuring out meatloaf. There were barely any resources for vegetarians at that point in Weight Watchers... so I gave it up.

Swirl back to Jan. 2008. I stood up in front of the entire Lower School of where I work, and told everyone that my resolution was to eat better and exercise more. And I did it. I joined an online website called myfooddiary.com and began tracking what I was eating. I started exercising more, and the weight started dropping off like magic. Once I lost 15 lbs, I realized I could actually run- so I began jogging with my dog in the morning and at night. Then I started jogging on the treadmill at school. Like I said before, I ended up losing 3o lbs in just under a year. I got into the 150's and was beside myself. I fit into all new clothes, I felt good about what I looked like, I felt amazing in terms of my health, and eating didn't make me want to vomit all the time (so it goes when you stuff yourself past your limit- I coined the phrase "puke level" in college to explain just how full I was). My family was super supportive and encouraging, the parents and teachers at school all chimed in on how great I looked- it was fantastic!

And then I stopped. I had given up myfooddiary.com when school began, and just counted calories in my head. Somehow, even though I began eating more, the weight stayed off. I accounted that to running on the treadmill every day. I had gotten to the point where I was running 3 miles almost every day. And then school got busy, and I got tired of not getting home til after 7, and I quit going to the gym every day. And I started dating my then-boyfriend (now-fiancee) and wanted to spend my time with him, and eat out or cook with him, and sit on the couch with him, and etc. It's hard to work from 8:15-5:30, then go to the gym, then come home to walk the dog, then eat a healthy small dinner and then go to bed. Esp when there's someone else you want to see, and there are other things you want to do. So that's when the weight started glomming back on. Just a lb here and there at first... but over that year I gained back over 14 lbs of what I had lost. And at first it didn't bother me, b/c I figured it was my body telling me I was more comfortable at a higher weight. That being in the 170's was just fine.

And then I hit a slight depression- and had the wherewithall to realize that part of it was my diet and my lack of exercise. Thanks therapy! Thanks for giving me the skills to pull myself out of depressions and work towards making myself feel better! So I started eating slightly better, and exercising more. And then promptly quit again once I wasn't depressed.

That brings me to last October. My friend Jennifer was getting married, and I was a bridesmaid. Which meant getting a bridesmaid dress. Which meant trying on fitted dresses. Which meant not being able to layer shirts over each other so the rolls of fat were less apparent (at least to my eyes). In the mirror itself, I wasn't horribly concerned- but once I saw the photos of myself, I knew it was time to start over. Of course it took me until Jan '10 to really start.

So here we are. I started back on myfooddiary.com exactly one week ago, and have lost 2 lbs so far. I'm relearning how to eat, and what to eat, and when to eat. And this blog is going to help me remember all of it, so I don't have to continue to relearn it when I forget.

My plan is to write every day- to remind myself how I'm feeling, eating, thinking... and here's my first daily entry:

Today sucked. I was hungry all day long... and ate the majority of my calories at lunch just b/c I didn't want to get up and leave the fac room during a conversation. I had eaten my slice of pizza on the walk back to the Lower School. Once I got into the fac room, I had my yogurt and my 100 calorie oreo pack, and some water... and then, just b/c I haven't figure out how to sit there and not eat, I ate my 100 calorie cheese nips pack that I was going to eat after school. So then after school I had my Special K pretzel and choc. bar (90 calories) b/c I was starving. And then I got home at 6:20 and had a slice of pizza (homemade, 278 calories per slice) b/c I couldn't think straight. And then went online and input all my food from the day into the website and found that if I wanted to lose 1.6 lbs a week, I had 51 calories left. Argh. I looked in the freezer and found out that even a single serving of frozen peas has 70 calories in it. And hell, if I was going to waste 70 calories on a stupid bag of peas, I should just eat the freakin' other slice of pizza. So I did. So yeah, you heard me, I had pizza for lunch AND for dinner. And I loved it. So there. Here's my final info:

Maintain Weight	573
Lose 1 lbs. per week	73
Lose 1.6 lbs. per week (maximum safe)	over by 227

And here's my favorite part of the website... I find this really encouraging, b/c I need endpoints.

If every day were like today ...

You would lose 1.1 lbs per week. You would reach your goal weight of 135 lbs on 9/2/2010. In one month, you would weigh 167.1 lbs. In three months, you would weigh 157.3 lbs.

So that's today. And my history. And I'm sure there will be a whole new story tomorrow.